I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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