After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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