I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
