hell yes lets make some ravioli
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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