bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
