two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Randomize
