Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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