Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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