I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
