I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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