i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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