i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
