you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
