I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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