Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
