I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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