is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
