I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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