I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
