Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I need a burrito and a hug.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
