I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
