I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
