She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
