Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
