piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
In America we eat man semen.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
