the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
