i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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