At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
