A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
