she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There r osticjed everywhere
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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