Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
