wakey wakey hands off snakey
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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