yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
