Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
