I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
