In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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