Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
