Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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