I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
