Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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