I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
