you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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