My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
