I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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