eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Randomize
