I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
