im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
