your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Someone stole a lamp last night.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
