I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Randomize
