was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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