u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
