Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
