How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
