Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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