That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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